Goodbye

My lovelies 🙂

Hate to do this,but I’ve come to the end of my journey with my growth & lessons & I hope that I may have helped someone else,even if it was just one person. Well I’ll always be growing & learning,but not by blogging anymore,for now anyway.

I got a lot of closure this weekend. I tell myself a lot of things – some to make myself feel better, some to make myself feel worse, some for no reason that would make any sense to me – but I just realised today that I lie to myself sometimes.  Before this weekend, I had convinced myself I was over the father of my child and that I had closed the chapter of our relationship never to reopen it again someday, I told myself I wasn’t mad or upset with him and that I’d forgiven everything he did to me.  Now I have, on Sunday, I spent some time with him, talked with him, got close with him.  You know those scenes in movies where a man kisses a woman and then says “kissing you made me realise how much there’s one person I’d rather be kissing”.  Personally, I think it sucks for an act of cheating to assure you of how much someone means to you, but sometimes there’s no way around it- we make mistakes, we feel confused, we’re all human at the end of the day. 

So spending time with the father of my baby on Sunday made me realise he’s had his full blown chance with me, made me realise how ready I am to give someone else a chance.  Not as in its something I want to do right now, but because now there’s finally a vacancy in my heart for someone new, someone special, someone real.  Not that there’s a hole in my heart longing to be filled, I’m complete in my Creator.  Just realised I’m yet to meet a giving man. & somehow I keep talking about him,especially in this blog,& I need to stop doing that to allow myself to experience a new chapter.

But its helped me so much! I’ve grown so much! & God has healed me so much! I don’t even have words! & being in a relationship with Him has given my life so much meaning & purpose & direction- He just blessing & keeping me even when I least deserve! His mercies are new every morning & so beautiful & amazing!

Being a single mom is the best thing that’s ever happened to me & I strive to be the best mom this world has ever seen! & I’m excited for what’s to come in all aspects of my life,especially next year when I’m living with my son full-time. Hopefully,we’ll start a nice video blog which will be much more interesting & interactive. I’m just an ordinary girl with an ordinary story & an ordinary life,but I don’t want to leave this world having not touched a life or inspired someone or helped someone grow. & I pray for the opportunity to do good for those with broken hearts. Everybody needs love. & I love giving it!

Stay blessed beautiful people!

& if I may just summarise what I’ve learned for anyone who is where I’ve been. Don’t compare yourself to other people- we all have our different journeys! Don’t allow anyone,especially not a man who has no idea what it means to be a father,to make you feel like you’re not worth much or you’re a used package because they couldn’t stick around to love you & your baby the way you deserve & to be there for you. You’re so beautiful & so amazing & God will send you someone just perfect for you,who will love everything about you,even the fact that you have a baby & who’ll love your baby the way he’d love his own kids. Just because the world is full of boys pretending to be men,doesn’t mean that real men don’t exist. We find them only with patience. Find your beauty,embrace it & treasure it. No-one can take it from you. & lastly,the most important relationship you can have,for yourself & your baby,is with your Daddy in heaven. The way He’s comforted me & healed me & assured me I have a good future & I’m going somewhere & brought me joy when days were crazy-dark! He’s my strength,He’s my hope,He’s my everything! He’s carried me when I could barely walk,& held me close when I needed to feel loved & provided abundantly for my every need! & He will do the same for you if you trust Him. I wish you well strong and courageous woman & I wish your baby the best too! That’s it from me!

All my love,
Nossy G

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

This entry was posted on June 6, 2013. 1 Comment

My big secret!

Hey Princess 🙂

“The storms in my are ragging & its not easy,
& the weight of this world drives me to my knees.
I’m so glad that I’m safe,
& I’m sure,I feel so secure
‘Cause I,just because I found a hiding place,
That’s in,its in God.

You know that I’m leaning,leaning on Jesus
He’s the only answer to my every need!
He’ll never leave me,forsake me nor deceive me.
‘Cause I’m so glad that I found a hiding place.
& its in,oh yes its in God.

I found a hiding place
I found a hiding place
From the storm,
from the rain,
from all hurt & pain
When the billows,
I said when they roll,
trouble sweeps over my soul
I found a hiding place
From the storm,
from all the rain,
from hurt & pain
When the billows,
I said when they roll,
trouble sweeps over my soul
Leaning on Jesus,
trust in Him,
He supplies all my needs,
He is my hiding place!
I found Jesus,
I found Him,
He is my everything!
Jesus,Jesus
Jesus,Jesus
He is my hiding place!”

These are the lyrics to a song I love by Joyous Celebration titles “Hiding Place”. No matter what you’re going through,He can calm the storm. Just trust Him,lean on Him,confide in Him. He won’t judge you or mock you,but He’ll just show you amazing love because He is love. I thought this might encourage someone as I was playing this song on repeat. So I’m letting you in on my secret:
I found a hiding place in Jesus 🙂
He can be your hiding place too.

Keep smiling,you’re beautiful! *kisses*

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

What being a mother means to me…

Lovelies 🙂

I want to be there for him,I don’t want to miss a second of his life,I don’t want him to ever feel alone,I don’t want him to ever be in need,I want to raise him to know & depend on Jesus,I don’t want him to value material things,I want him to be a gentleman- grounded with good morals,God-fearing,secure,stable (emotionally & physically),I want to be able to discipline him without making him fear me & to not be too friendly with him that he ends up being disrespectful,but I want him to be able to talk to me about anything. I want to find the perfect way to show him unconditional love without spoiling him. & I guess somewhere along the way I must find a way to not be too over-protective & not make him a “mama’s boy”.

This is what I pray to achieve as a mother. Having a goal,vision & direction is so important in everything you do in life,especially once you’re already on the journey. Every few months,I need to go back & check that I’m still heading in the right direction,especially as life changes & as different people come in & out of my life. I’d like to encourage you to do the same – whether you’re a student, an employee, a mother too, a girlfriend, a wife, a daughter – every part of your life needs direction & the best foundation in my life is Christ 🙂

God bless!

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Untitled, I don’t really know where I’m going with this one

Snapshot_20130601_28
Hey sweeties 🙂

So sorry I’ve been quiet for a while, been crazy busy with my schoolwork- I’m really putting crazy efforts into building a good future for my baby and I.

So here’s a bit of an update on what’s happening in my life. So you remember I’ve decided not to date this year? Still sticking to that, but you know the funniest thing happened. With this whole movement I’ve been making to discover what defines a real man and even just having confirmation that they exist, I’ve found out that I have two really great men in my life. Funniest thing is they’ve been in my life all along but I’m only seeing this now – at a time where it means so much to me. One of these guys is just a friend, a really great friend, and the other is a friend who I may be developing feelings for. But I don’t want to rush into anything and I won’t. Taking time to get to know him fully and will still take this year off dating, to also help me have a relationship with the father of my baby that neither my man nor his girl would have an issue with. But he’s really sweet to me, really kind, has such a good heart and most of all, he’s just such a man and it oozes out of him. You know – the way he talks, the things he says, the things he thinks – he’s so mature, and he’s ready to settle down hahaha. I’m sorry but that is definitely a criterion for selecting a man now, I do not want a relationship that will last another four years and also not go anywhere! Especially now that I have a child. Really don’t want my baby exposed to different men (and women). But yeah, I’m being careful, just getting to know him right now without any pressure to do any more than that. I think he’s just been planted in my life so I don’t give up believing people like him exist. It’s so easy to think men are all the same, especially when you’ve been hurt in the same way multiple times. But they aren’t. And I think sometimes it’s an issue of maturity and whether the guy has had the transition from boy to man. Because a guy who acts like a complete douche when he’s still a boy could act the complete opposite once he’s had his fun and experience or whatever, because we all learn from the things we’ve been through. And I think that is what makes the timing wrong sometimes.

And another thing that’s happened is my baby’s daddy was in town this weekend and so I tried to not have heavy talks and to just keep it light and chilled and all. Unfortunately that didn’t work out so well for me and I ended up asking him about a few things and telling him a few things that were on my mind. And so you remember I told you about a relationship he has with this other girl in his life (he’s still denying she’s his girlfriend so I’ll write it this way) and that relationship really hurt me and he wasn’t able to choose me and us and our family and so I ended up leaving because I couldn’t deal with having to compete for my man? So I asked him if she’s still in his life and he said she is and they’re friends (rubbish) and nothing funny is going on with her. Then I asked him if he didn’t give her up for me because he couldn’t or because he didn’t want to. And he says it was neither, he said he didn’t like that I gave him the option of giving her up or not, that I didn’t tell him straight that if he wanted to be with me he would have to stop talking to her and in so doing I was forcing him to give her up indirectly. And so I’ve mentioned before that he was controlling so whenever he hadn’t liked a certain relationship I had he would tell me straight and he says that’s how I should’ve been.

That hurt me. Firstly, because we’re different people and we do things differently. If he wanted a girlfriend who does things the way he does them then he should’ve just dated himself. Secondly, because it should’ve been enough to him that him talking to this girl who had convinced herself (or been convinced by him) that she was his girlfriend, was hurting me. And he had the full choice to decide to carry on talking to her and seeing her etc and in so doing, carry on hurting me, or to realise that what he was doing was really hurting me and stop it (mind you, every time we spoke about it I made it crystal clear that I was hurt and more often than not there were even tears to prove it so). And I told him that what he said hurt. That he could watch me hurting and let me hurt just to prove a point about the way I mentioned to him that he could end that relationship instead of telling him straight that that’s what I wanted of him. I want a relationship where I matter. Where my thoughts and feelings matter. For someone who claimed to love me to hurt me that way and I’m sure he knew before I even mentioned it that what he was doing was hurting me, especially since he chose to hide it, then I told him a million times it hurt me after I knew about it, did I really have to go through the extra step of telling him how to fix it? Was it not in his heart to fix it, to stop hurting me? And that sucks because I would’ve done almost anything for him. Anyway, so he dropped me off at my place last night and we sat in the car for a bit talking casually and it was kind of nice until he said that and I was like “This is crazy. That’s basically him admitting that he was hurting me on purpose.” And so as I walked from the car park to my room, I had this lump of hurt in my throat, coming from the disbelief. Then I got to my room and I had Ciara’s song “Sorry” vaguely in my head so I decided to play it. At some point “all (he) had to do was say (my love) I’m sorry, I’m in love with you and baby I want this”; at some point we were headed towards marriage and a real future together and he just threw it away. And I used to have days where I really didn’t understand why and I really wanted to. And it’s so funny because I got to my room, played that song a few times then out of the blue I started feeling pretty and took a little photoshoot (I’m having a head scarf phase *blush*). Made me feel good. I needed to feel good. The father of my baby doesn’t own the heart that’s meant to love me- there are too many things wrong about me in his eyes. And that’s okay, funny enough. Because there’s a man out there who’s going to see beauty in my flaws and perfection in my imperfections and be appreciative of me and my love, and especially my heart.

Do you know what he told me when he left? He said he loves me. I told him he didn’t. And really, he doesn’t. Not now anyway. Which made me listen to another of Ciara’s songs called “Never Ever” and it goes, “if that boy don’t love you by now – he will never ever never ever love you…” But anyway, I’m no longer in a place where I’m trying to believe it or needing it to be true. And it really is a shame that he is still trying to put me in that place of having my emotions all over the place because of him when he’s the one who couldn’t love me enough to treat me well and just treasure me. Well anyway, he’s gone now and he’ll only be back after like another six weeks so I’m glad about that. But he is changing – God is definitely answering my prayers. Was trying to tell him he’s selfish and I couldn’t think of any examples of how he’s acted selfish in the last few weeks. Told him we can’t be friends if no-one changes. And I was explaining to him how I’m nervous about letting him have Baby alone because I don’t trust that he wouldn’t use my baby to pick up girls or that he wouldn’t invite girls over to meet Baby and play mom to him and things like that. And funny enough, he understood. Usually he thinks I’m being selfish. And I hope he really sorts out his intentions so that I’ll be okay with them taking trips alone together and all. Funny how a year ago, I wouldn’t have even thought there was a slight chance that he would be a dad who does things like that but he’s managed to show me that he’s capable of anything and everything. I don’t want to be a clingy baby-mama. I don’t want to impose on him to spend time with me when he’s here to see his child, but this weekend we really had a good time shame. It’s made me believe we can be friends at some point. Now, we’re planning when we’re taking our son to Zimbabwe to meet his dad’s family, then after that I think we will have done everything we need to do together. So I’m thinking the sooner, the better.

So that’s basically it from me. My advice and lessons learnt from all of this is that, firstly, real men do exist. It’s not something we make up in our heads to make us feel better when we’re hurt and broken. Secondly, someone who loves you will never watch you hurt or intentionally hurt you when they have the option of making it all stop. You should never have to force him to do something that will stop hurting you because he shouldn’t be able to stand seeing you hurt – your hurt should be his hurt. Lastly, it’s so important to wait on God and to not give up praying for things. I prayed so much for the father of my baby while I was pregnant and I felt like God wasn’t hearing me or was choosing not to respond or whatever. & eventually, I stopped praying for him because I just got tired of waiting or I got fed up – I’m not sure really. But then I was at church a few months ago and the pastor was encouraging us to not give up on our prayers and he specifically talked about “that thing you prayed and prayed about and eventually gave up on” and encouraging us to keep at it. God’s timing is so important because it is so perfect. And with everything else that’s going on in my life right now, it’s such a blessing that this is the same time I’m seeing some growth and change in the father of my child. And that change isn’t for me, I do not need him to be a better man to me but for our son and so he can treat me in a way which allows us to have the best relationship for our son. I just love my son to bits and pieces and I want the very best for him! And I pray that I’m able to give him the best of what I have and that I’m able to do my part to make sure he gets the very best of everything else. But most importantly, I trust God to provide for us and to always be here for us, because he’s assured us He will do that 
I wish you all a fantastic week ahead!

I’m a redhead now :-D

I'm a redhead now :-D

One of the things that make me feel good – red hair!

Find something too that keeps you smiling, something you can do for yourself. Remember, when you look good, you feel good! So if you need to do a few sit-ups for a few weeks, just do it- it will be so worth it!

*kiss-kiss*

My Hustle

ImageSweethearts 🙂

Isn’t it funny that when you’re living life you have no-one to hand over a test every 3 months and rate you – that you’re passing in the “chemistry of life” but not doing so well in the “biological sciences of life”.  Most of the time we’re called to self-evaluate our own hustles.  For me – I’m a child of God, I’m a mom, I’m a daughter, I’m a friend and I’m a student. And in each of those places I want to be doing great!

And you know what my excuse is for me not being my best at each of those things? Time.  Feel like if I just had more time then I’d be able to allocate more of it to worshiping God and spending time with Him and reading His word and meditating on it and spending time listening to Him, rather then just making time to talk talk talk.  

And then I think if I had more time, I’d be able to spend each and every day with my son- knowing him and lavishing my love on him and playing with him and chasing him around the house (he’s a mega-crawler now, one second he’s here the next he’s completely disappeared!) and telling him stories, showing him pictures, feeding him and all the stuff a mother should do for her son.  

And if I had more time, I’d go on lunch days with my mom and I’d apologise for all the things I’ve done wrong and I’d thank her for always being there and for always loving me and for being the absolute greatest mother in the whole world.  I’ve actually been a very problematic child- in high school i dated an older man (he wasn’t a sugar daddy though- didn’t have any sugar hahaha), and I used to cut myself and I tried to commit suicide even – spent a good week in hospital! I used to think she didn’t love me, I’m not even sure where it came from but thank-God we’re past it now! So I would just use the extra time to make up for all of that stuff, to show her love and respect and appreciation.  

And if I had more time for my friends, we’d go out for lunch,clubbing (I’m not much of a clubber so I’m not sure why I’m putting that there :-P), to the beach, wherever! And we’d talk and I’d listen to them more! You know I’m so convinced God planted a whole bunch of angels in my life- the way my friends are so loving and supporting, I’m just not sure everyone has been blessed with what I’ve been blessed with! And I’m sure you can tell I’m a big talker, but I really do want to listen at times and be to them what they’ve been to me and we could have sleepovers and do that!  I just know that I wouldn’t have gotten through without them and I’m just so so grateful for being blessed with them – my fantastic five ❤ and the funny thing is these angels aren’t even a circle of friends but they are my circle and I love them to bits and pieces!  And you know how you’ll just know people for a long time but only during certain events of your life do they show their loyalty and love and care for you?  That’s what happened with me and its just amazing!

And if I had more time, I would study more and perfect my assignments and reports (which are always submitted last minute without even being checked!) and attend all my lectures.  I would write my tests fully prepared for them, I would prepare my presentations well ahead of time and rehearse them until I know them inside out versus just making do with winging it as I so often do!

This is my hustle – I want to be more, I want to do more – but we don’t get extra-time! Life is busy, life is full of things we have to do and those things have deadlines and time goes quickly and we have to make-do with what we have.  And the trick is to appreciate time and appreciate all the things your time goes to and just make the time to do them all.  And that means waking up at 5am to go on your jog and have your quiet time with God before you start your day,if that is what is required of you! And that means saying all the things you need to say to your loved ones while you still have the time and squeezing in a lunch date every now and then and taking a night of once in a while for that much needed sleepover! Life can’t ever be one-dimensional, it can’t be all work and no play.  It just requires balance and I just want to be driven enough to accomplish all I have the potential to accomplish this year!  And its important to not let procrastination and laziness get in the way because those two things steal hours from the too few which we have already!  This is my hustle and I’m pushing my hustle and I won’t stop or give up until I get there and I will get there, I believe it with all my heart!  And it’s also important to take life one day at a time, trying to do too much too quickly will just burn you out and you won’t accomplish anything.  Pace yourself, love yourself, love those around you.  And the best thing you can do is to give your hustle to God and building it up on Him, letting Him be your foundation for everything in your life – that way it will never fail, you will never fail!  He knows very well who you are meant to be and what you’re supposed to achieve and you just need to trust Him to let it all come to pass 🙂

Stay blessed and stay true to your hustle 🙂