Hey sweeties 🙂
So sorry I’ve been quiet for a while, been crazy busy with my schoolwork- I’m really putting crazy efforts into building a good future for my baby and I.
So here’s a bit of an update on what’s happening in my life. So you remember I’ve decided not to date this year? Still sticking to that, but you know the funniest thing happened. With this whole movement I’ve been making to discover what defines a real man and even just having confirmation that they exist, I’ve found out that I have two really great men in my life. Funniest thing is they’ve been in my life all along but I’m only seeing this now – at a time where it means so much to me. One of these guys is just a friend, a really great friend, and the other is a friend who I may be developing feelings for. But I don’t want to rush into anything and I won’t. Taking time to get to know him fully and will still take this year off dating, to also help me have a relationship with the father of my baby that neither my man nor his girl would have an issue with. But he’s really sweet to me, really kind, has such a good heart and most of all, he’s just such a man and it oozes out of him. You know – the way he talks, the things he says, the things he thinks – he’s so mature, and he’s ready to settle down hahaha. I’m sorry but that is definitely a criterion for selecting a man now, I do not want a relationship that will last another four years and also not go anywhere! Especially now that I have a child. Really don’t want my baby exposed to different men (and women). But yeah, I’m being careful, just getting to know him right now without any pressure to do any more than that. I think he’s just been planted in my life so I don’t give up believing people like him exist. It’s so easy to think men are all the same, especially when you’ve been hurt in the same way multiple times. But they aren’t. And I think sometimes it’s an issue of maturity and whether the guy has had the transition from boy to man. Because a guy who acts like a complete douche when he’s still a boy could act the complete opposite once he’s had his fun and experience or whatever, because we all learn from the things we’ve been through. And I think that is what makes the timing wrong sometimes.
And another thing that’s happened is my baby’s daddy was in town this weekend and so I tried to not have heavy talks and to just keep it light and chilled and all. Unfortunately that didn’t work out so well for me and I ended up asking him about a few things and telling him a few things that were on my mind. And so you remember I told you about a relationship he has with this other girl in his life (he’s still denying she’s his girlfriend so I’ll write it this way) and that relationship really hurt me and he wasn’t able to choose me and us and our family and so I ended up leaving because I couldn’t deal with having to compete for my man? So I asked him if she’s still in his life and he said she is and they’re friends (rubbish) and nothing funny is going on with her. Then I asked him if he didn’t give her up for me because he couldn’t or because he didn’t want to. And he says it was neither, he said he didn’t like that I gave him the option of giving her up or not, that I didn’t tell him straight that if he wanted to be with me he would have to stop talking to her and in so doing I was forcing him to give her up indirectly. And so I’ve mentioned before that he was controlling so whenever he hadn’t liked a certain relationship I had he would tell me straight and he says that’s how I should’ve been.
That hurt me. Firstly, because we’re different people and we do things differently. If he wanted a girlfriend who does things the way he does them then he should’ve just dated himself. Secondly, because it should’ve been enough to him that him talking to this girl who had convinced herself (or been convinced by him) that she was his girlfriend, was hurting me. And he had the full choice to decide to carry on talking to her and seeing her etc and in so doing, carry on hurting me, or to realise that what he was doing was really hurting me and stop it (mind you, every time we spoke about it I made it crystal clear that I was hurt and more often than not there were even tears to prove it so). And I told him that what he said hurt. That he could watch me hurting and let me hurt just to prove a point about the way I mentioned to him that he could end that relationship instead of telling him straight that that’s what I wanted of him. I want a relationship where I matter. Where my thoughts and feelings matter. For someone who claimed to love me to hurt me that way and I’m sure he knew before I even mentioned it that what he was doing was hurting me, especially since he chose to hide it, then I told him a million times it hurt me after I knew about it, did I really have to go through the extra step of telling him how to fix it? Was it not in his heart to fix it, to stop hurting me? And that sucks because I would’ve done almost anything for him. Anyway, so he dropped me off at my place last night and we sat in the car for a bit talking casually and it was kind of nice until he said that and I was like “This is crazy. That’s basically him admitting that he was hurting me on purpose.” And so as I walked from the car park to my room, I had this lump of hurt in my throat, coming from the disbelief. Then I got to my room and I had Ciara’s song “Sorry” vaguely in my head so I decided to play it. At some point “all (he) had to do was say (my love) I’m sorry, I’m in love with you and baby I want this”; at some point we were headed towards marriage and a real future together and he just threw it away. And I used to have days where I really didn’t understand why and I really wanted to. And it’s so funny because I got to my room, played that song a few times then out of the blue I started feeling pretty and took a little photoshoot (I’m having a head scarf phase *blush*). Made me feel good. I needed to feel good. The father of my baby doesn’t own the heart that’s meant to love me- there are too many things wrong about me in his eyes. And that’s okay, funny enough. Because there’s a man out there who’s going to see beauty in my flaws and perfection in my imperfections and be appreciative of me and my love, and especially my heart.
Do you know what he told me when he left? He said he loves me. I told him he didn’t. And really, he doesn’t. Not now anyway. Which made me listen to another of Ciara’s songs called “Never Ever” and it goes, “if that boy don’t love you by now – he will never ever never ever love you…” But anyway, I’m no longer in a place where I’m trying to believe it or needing it to be true. And it really is a shame that he is still trying to put me in that place of having my emotions all over the place because of him when he’s the one who couldn’t love me enough to treat me well and just treasure me. Well anyway, he’s gone now and he’ll only be back after like another six weeks so I’m glad about that. But he is changing – God is definitely answering my prayers. Was trying to tell him he’s selfish and I couldn’t think of any examples of how he’s acted selfish in the last few weeks. Told him we can’t be friends if no-one changes. And I was explaining to him how I’m nervous about letting him have Baby alone because I don’t trust that he wouldn’t use my baby to pick up girls or that he wouldn’t invite girls over to meet Baby and play mom to him and things like that. And funny enough, he understood. Usually he thinks I’m being selfish. And I hope he really sorts out his intentions so that I’ll be okay with them taking trips alone together and all. Funny how a year ago, I wouldn’t have even thought there was a slight chance that he would be a dad who does things like that but he’s managed to show me that he’s capable of anything and everything. I don’t want to be a clingy baby-mama. I don’t want to impose on him to spend time with me when he’s here to see his child, but this weekend we really had a good time shame. It’s made me believe we can be friends at some point. Now, we’re planning when we’re taking our son to Zimbabwe to meet his dad’s family, then after that I think we will have done everything we need to do together. So I’m thinking the sooner, the better.
So that’s basically it from me. My advice and lessons learnt from all of this is that, firstly, real men do exist. It’s not something we make up in our heads to make us feel better when we’re hurt and broken. Secondly, someone who loves you will never watch you hurt or intentionally hurt you when they have the option of making it all stop. You should never have to force him to do something that will stop hurting you because he shouldn’t be able to stand seeing you hurt – your hurt should be his hurt. Lastly, it’s so important to wait on God and to not give up praying for things. I prayed so much for the father of my baby while I was pregnant and I felt like God wasn’t hearing me or was choosing not to respond or whatever. & eventually, I stopped praying for him because I just got tired of waiting or I got fed up – I’m not sure really. But then I was at church a few months ago and the pastor was encouraging us to not give up on our prayers and he specifically talked about “that thing you prayed and prayed about and eventually gave up on” and encouraging us to keep at it. God’s timing is so important because it is so perfect. And with everything else that’s going on in my life right now, it’s such a blessing that this is the same time I’m seeing some growth and change in the father of my child. And that change isn’t for me, I do not need him to be a better man to me but for our son and so he can treat me in a way which allows us to have the best relationship for our son. I just love my son to bits and pieces and I want the very best for him! And I pray that I’m able to give him the best of what I have and that I’m able to do my part to make sure he gets the very best of everything else. But most importantly, I trust God to provide for us and to always be here for us, because he’s assured us He will do that
I wish you all a fantastic week ahead!